For the last few months, I have been moonlighting as a bartender for one night a week at a small established family restaurant.
Life dynamic is so much different and intriguing from the Financial Independence vantage point a view –looking at the crowd from the other side.
Lola, who is in her late 20’s, has been coming regularly every Wednesday with her girl friends after work to have 2 to 3 Corona – dressed with salt and lime.
Their conversation typically started out with the day issues at work. When the second Corona is served, the subject is switched to cute guys at work or acquaintances from parties they have met or dated.
Jack, who is in his early 50’s, always started out with a Budweiser then alternated with Tanqueray and tonic with a splashed of sprite and a lime – incredibly he always finished off the night consistently with a Budweiser.
On the average, Jack’s visits last from 4 to 5 hours. The first hour typically devoted to investment topics – ETF, bonds and Real Estates.
The remaining hours are allocated to lamenting of past exes. According to Jack – he was the victim in all of the failed relationships.
Jill is a strong headed young woman in her early 30’s. She always began the night with a house cabernet – chill with 2 cubes of ice. She is not much of a talker – deeply focused on her laptop if she came in alone.
Few occasions when she came with her boyfriend, she seemed to be much more intense and serious in expressiveness – not loud or obnoxious nevertheless!
They were supposed to get marry last month, but lately she has been coming in with her long time guy friend – not sure, but, I think the marriage is off the table.
Lola, Jack, Jill and their partners in crime are having a common denominator – they have the opportunity and capability to fall in love, but they are struggling to stay in love.
Statistically, there is less than 10 percents of marriages where the partners are deeply in love with each other – their bond grows with time.
The next 40 percents of marriages in which the partners who remain in the relationships for varieties of reasons – with or without love. Money seemed to be the top in popularity.
The remaining 50 percents are ended up in divorce in less than 10 years – starting with the first spark of attraction.
Why the statistic is such strikingly heartbreaking?
Falling in love is a freebie from evolution!
Staying in love requires the investment of time and effort – you have to put up your own dime.
We have been wired to attract to the opposite sex since puberty. Culturally, we romanticized and credited love as the fundamental component that paved the path.
With the exception of the human species, no other animals on this planet require any flavor of love to spark the attraction for the potential mate.
If there are any criteria for evaluation in a mating relationship, the essential and critical components are chosen unconsciously and are outside of the current realm of science – for example most of us are not attracted to our mothers no matter how gorgeous and rich they are perceived by other men.
In just a little 300 years ago, most marriages will last from the mating selection process – the global average life expectancy was the range of 35 to 40 years.
As of the first quarter of the 21st century, the average lifespan for the world population has been doubled due to the advancement in medicines, technologies and higher standard of living.
The traditional marriage will be severely tested with the longer lifespan. Statistically, 50 percents of marriages are dissolved within 10 years time frame.
The 40 to 50 years horizon, assuming that most of us will be married by the 30th birthday, will require substantial investment of time and effort in a relationship.
Although love is not a prerequisite for mate selection at the beginning, but, the “seed of love” is planted at the instant of the attraction.
As time goes on and with appropriate fertilizers, the love seed will grow and resulted in chain of union where the strength will determine the length of the relationship.
Let’s for a moment redefine the meaning of love between two partners as the bond in the relationship – bond has the physical feel to it which lends itself to a greater understanding in conversation.
The three fundamental components that grow the bond in a marriage are – desire, trust and honesty.
Desire – first and foremost, both partners must have the desire to be with each other. One Mate for life is the ultimate metric to measure the aspiration.
If both of the partners do not have the desire to be in a marriage, it is time to move on!
It is not necessary for everyone in the team to have the same level of aspiration toward the matrimony – as long as the total combined aspirations between partners that keep the relationship whole.
Humans are not robots, therefore, cannot be programmed to have the same level of commitment or responsibility in any relationship.
Honesty – once the desire is determined, open and honest communication will allow the individual in the partnership to execute his/her best capability protect, care and grow the bond in the marriage.
One of the Achilles heel in a marriage is the partners do not have the courage to speak honest about their thoughts and desires with one another – the end results are often misinterpreted and sometime just downright disheartening.
Just to be clear, honesty does not mean speak out of anger with naming calling or trashing your partner’s confidence. It is about controlling your emotion and finding the right words to communicate of your honest perception and feeling.
Trust – no one can cover all basses in life. The partner that you have picked to be part of your team will watch your back. Trust him/her to do his/her job to his/her best ability!
In the 27 years of our marriage, I have always trusted my wife to make decision with the family well-being ahead of her. This is not to say I always agree with her, but I have always at peace with the final outcomes.
And I believe she feels the same way about me!
A long lasting marriage that matches with the longevity in the 21st century requires the investment in time and effort – much more than previous generations.
What is in your investment portfolio?
Let’s play the game of life!
