I was the first one from my family to graduate from the College of Engineering. It was an endeavor both of my parents were hoping for their children to strive for – but economically, they were not in the position to financially support the path to higher education.
In combination of part time jobs on the weekend and student loans, I was able to finish the journey in 3 and ½ years with a little less than 4K of student loan, an equivalent to 8K in 2019 – I was able to pay off my student loan in one year after graduation.
For 3 and ½ years, I worked every weekend, shared a tiny room with 4 roommates and ate Ramen most night.
The US student loan debt in 2019 is standing at $1.5 trillion, second only to mortgage debt and higher than credit cards and auto loan – each borrower owed $28,650 on the average in 2017(Forbes.com).
Rising tuition is a factor in the higher education cost, but it is not the main factor – it is the financial irresponsibility the children learned from their own parents.
If the average parents carried credit card debts to fund their lifestyle before their earned it, why then their children cannot do the same in college with student loans?
As a couple, we have been keenly responsible with our finance. We do not carry evolved credit card debt and we have been living free of mortgage debt for over 15 years.
As parents, we firmly believe that our daughter’s college education is part of our journey. Unlike my parents, we are financially capable to help our daughter with the college endeavor.
However, life has unexpected twists and turns which made it more interesting – but very unpredictable.
After graduated from high school, my daughter showed very little interest in higher education. From her perspective she did not understand the value of a college education – it is nothing more than high school with tons more home works.
The 18 years we raised her under our roof, we as parents, failed to educate her that it was my college education that brought about the home, the food, the vacation and the clothes on her back.
My parents did not have to make this connection for me, because living in abject poverty the connection was clear – especially when hung out with friends whose parents were college graduates.
The lack of hunger for college education perceived our daughter was not simply because we are financially wealthier than our parents.
When we set our Financial Independence target just shied of her 7th birthday, we adopted the lifestyle of a median income family going forward. Therefore, we did not raise our daughter in some lavish lifestyle that somehow curtailed her desire for higher education.
As a couple, we struggled with money in the first five years of having her under our roof. But for the next 13 years, we did not have any financial stress that resulted in heated conversations or fights – unlike my parents who fought constantly throughout their marriage up to the final divorce.
We did tried few strategies to teach her the value of money, paid chores and matching contribution when she worked part time as hostess at 16 – none seemed to bring about any positive result.
After first year of college, her grades were so low it did not make any sense to continue the investment in the education.
We suggested that may be she should take few years off, working full time and live on her own just to have a better understanding of life – the reality, good, bad and ugly.
She did not take few years off, she took almost six years on her own and we witnessed the progress of her maturity.
Within six years, she managed to pay everything on her own – including an associate degree from a local community college.
Well, we did helped her move along when she had problems with car related issues – unexpected expenses, especially the ones ranged from $500 to $1000 is the Achilles heel for 60% of the population.
The biggest progress from her private journey is the view of the reality – life is more than hang-out with friends, falling in love and day dream of unrealistic possibilities.
This year she is transferring to a regular four years college and planned to finish up her Psychology as an undergraduate and possibly keep on marching to graduate school.
The majority of the scientific literatures support the idea that most children are not fully mature with decision making until they reach the 25th birthday – specifically, their frontal cortex reached full development at this age.
Until then, they will always be distracted with millions of things in the world – most of them have very little or no utility in their later lives – 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.
How many of you ever look back from your 30’s or 40’s and wished you did not allocated so much of your precious time on stupidities – regrets are termites to joy and happiness in living!
When our daughter discussed her education plan with us, we were elated with emotion – yet, we kept it to ourselves.
Our knee jerk reaction was to ask her to move back home, keep the expenses down, work less and devote more time for school – four years college is much more competitive than the local community college.
But the 19 years living under our care built up such an immense entitlement that it preventing her from breaking out on her own initially – stoked our fear of the reverting back to the status quo.
Personally, she made so much progress for the last 6 years – albeit slow in comparison to her peers. Why bring her back to our lives and risk losing all the progress of taking care oneself.
We decided that our best action is assisting at a distance!
With her permission, we analyzed her budget and clearly see that financially she can pay the entire tuition on her own with just working part time on the weekend and subsidized loan.
The interest of subsidized loan does not accrue while the borrower is in college. We advised for her to stay away from unsubsidized loan and working part time on the weekend is the best option to meet her budget needs.
Privately, my wife and I agreed that if she puts up more effort toward school and worked hard on the weekend to pay for her own tuition and living expenses, we will pay for the entire student loan at graduation as a gift – give her a chance at starting life without the burden of debt.
It has been years since my parents expressed their desire for me to be the first one in the family to graduate from college.
It has been six years since I am extending this grace toward my own daughter, and it has many twists and turns.
What I learned from this experience is that regardless how much you have planned ahead, 529 College Plan, ACT and SAT preparation, if your child is not ready for college you have to be very patient and go with the flow.
Many wealthy parents believe money will solve the problem. It does not. Yes, unlimited money will get your children a college degree, but, it does not give your children a college education – in my case, it takes money and time.
If everything goes as plan, my daughter will have her Bachelor of Science in Psychology at 27. It is truly a product of genes and environment. As parents, you do have control over the environment.
You have once chance at parenting. It is fulfilling but not without challenges – keep calm and be patient, good life is just around the corner!
Let’s play the game of life!
