When do we let go of a relationship?
What are the metrics that can be used to measure the quality of a relationship?
Relationship is a source that radiates experiences that gives life its essential nutrients. Yet in so many instances, relationship is a struggle.
Before metrics can be identified for the measurement in quality of relationship – relationship itself must be categorized.
There are nine types of relationships every single human being will have the opportunity to experience within a life span –
- Self
- Parents
- Family
- Friends & Colleagues
- State, Country, Sovereignty
- Racial Ethnicity
- Humanity
- Divinity
As depicted in figure 1 below.
The effort and experience with these relationships are similar to trekking up a mountain with the degree of hardship increases with altitude.
Majority of people, the mass of the population, will top out at level 4th, Friends & Colleagues. The remaining levels require the efforts, ambition and determination beyond the commitment of the average population.
Consciously or unconsciously, they are aware of the higher levels. However, they do not have the capability to ascend them – more precisely, not having the capability and/or never care to prepare for the adventure.
Up to 90% to 95% of humanity will take the entire life time to have a full understanding the relationship with the self – hence, ascending the ladder of relationship will inevitably run into conflicts.
The latest scientific research supports the idea that most young people are not fully matured until the age of 25 – when the logic and reasoning part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, is fully developed.
The first relationship started in the puberty years, 12 to 15 years of age – the self.
This is the first time we are intimately taking notice of ourselves – through the basic five senses.
Visually, we witnessed that our bodies are changing.
Auditory, we heard to the changing of tempo of our voice.
Touch, we fondled our genital and discovered personal pleasure.
Smell, we gained the ability to distinguish our own body odor from the surrounding.
Taste, we consumed a wider range of flavor and discovered our personal sources of foods.
The entire process of discovery is automated, unconscious and instinctual.
Through the process of self awareness via the five senses, we’ve gained insight of ourselves, biologically and psychologically.
It is in the discovery of the difference of the outside world and our internal and personal self that began the self-complexity odyssey – for many, it will take the entire life time to rectify.
In tragic cases where the discovery of the difference is immense, life itself is no longer worth holding on – suicidal is the end result from the unworthy relationships.
Here is the first metric for measure the quality of relationship, your physical and mental health – if the relationship is draining your health, let it go before life is no longer a possible option.
The proper and natural relationship promotes life – the improper and unnatural relationship distinguishes life.
From the age of 1 to 25, there is an enormous life force within all young lives. In the utmost and absolute notion, all external relationships must promote life – anything less has to be discarded.
Parental relationship is the additional source of conflict in the early years for many of us.
The contention is natural and is expected as it is a rite of passage for all budding lives – the time has come for the new generation to build the new realities.
Majority of parents are wired to love their children – the birth of this relationship is rooted in the genes.
The attachment of parents to their children early years of vulnerability is instinctive – no different than the protected mother bears to her cubs.
By puberty years, parents began the process of preparing their offspring for the competition of resources in the real world.
As of the first quarter of the 21st century, the process of preparing the new generation with the skill for resource competition is a daunting task for any parents.
The reasons are many, but the three significance are followed –
- There are too many choices in careers and the current scientific approach in matching individual to a lifelong profession is severely limited.
- High standard of livings slowly eliminated the internal source of strength, determination and ambition to survive from the new generations – survival of the fittest is not a bad thing.
- The monumental changes in the biology of the puberty.
By the time our children crossed the puberty line, we as parents unconsciously yet instinctively aware that it is time for them move on.
Depending on each household financial capability, each family will do its best allocated certain amount of financial resource to prepare the youths to stand up with their own two feet and compete with others for resources.
Since the British Industrial Revolution in the mid 17th century, the global standard of living took off along with the rise of the population.
As the new set of generations emerged through the passage of time, the puberty age range has not changed much. Yet, the rate of change in the external environment with regard to resource accumulation and management has outpaced the upcoming youths’ skills and capabilities.
Puberty is a biological signal for the new generation to embark on the building of the set of families with the learned skills from their parents.
In the old world, the necessary skills for survival and the biological signal are synchronized in the same window of time.
As of the 21st century, it is rare to find a youth in puberty who has the skill to hunt and gather resources for his/her own sake – yet, every single one of them are fantasizing and day dreaming of their one specials mates and the life outside the cocoon of their families.
Hence, the cyclic conflict begins between parents and youths on the amount of committed financial resources toward the preparation of the new generation.
Scientists will never find another animal species that devoted its entire existence devoted to raise adult children – human species is the first and only.
The conflict between parents and puberties revealed the second metric for the measurement of relationship or exposed the limitation of it – financial resource.
There is a finite financial resource that supports any relationship structure.
Consciously or unconsciously, it is through passage of puberty, we experienced the true fidelity of the external relationships with respect to our “selves”.
Prior to puberty, we lived in the secured bubble of safety of our families. In most cases, these early relationship experiences did not fully represent the world at large – hence, the experiences joy, happiness, hurt, pain, hunger, loneliness and frightened resulted from the relationships beyond homes are expected.
It is through these real world experiences, slowly and surely we will learn to measure the real values of all relationships.
For the majority of us and at the second half of life (40 and older) on the self-discovering journey, the third metric for the measurement of relationship is unveiled – purpose.
In summary – the meaning or purpose of the relationship, the financial outcome from the relationship and the personal physical and mental health resulted from the relationship determined the quality of any relationships.
Relationship = Purpose + Financial + Health.
So when do we let go of a relationship?
Personally for myself and my mate – it is over when Relationship = 0 + 0 + 0.
Let’s play the game of life!
