Relationship represents a definable organic and consciousness boundary. A rock is not a living and self-awareness entity. Therefore, there is not a boundary of relationship around it.
Figure 1 illustrated all the relationships along with the definable boundaries.
All marriages fall inside the border of the Family relationship.
Essentially, the two “Self” of relationships are trying to take on a new identity – the Family identity (Fig 2 below).
The boundary of the intersection between Partner 1 and Partner 2 is the beginning definition of their intimate relationship – the Family relationship
Prior to the cross path, the each partner is living and participating in a distinct boundary of Self relationship.
The analysis of “why marriage failed” will begin with the cross-section within the nascent boundary outline in Figure 2 above.
What are the forces that initiate the two partners into an intimate relationship?
- Physical
- Emotional
- Money, power and status
- Cultures
- Circumstances
- Proximity
Physical attraction…
He is tall and handsome!
She is fit and gorgeous!
These are external physical characteristics that often spark that the mutual attraction between two otherwise completely separate lives.
This is by far the most alluring and unconscious force that results in high efficacy in the human species – scientists will never find a case where one chimpanzee finds another chimpanzee’s dimple is irresistible!
Unfortunately, this is also the fashionable mean to end many intimate relationships – the passion slowly dies along with the degradation of the physical attraction.
This is why many early relationships, especially among the puberty generations, failed miserably. It is physical attraction that quickly brought them together, and torn them instantly apart when physically deed has been fulfilled and the novelty is gone.
There is nothing wrong with the initiation into an intimate relationship via physical attraction. However, failure is inevitable if the partners do not capitalize on the opportunity to move the relationship beyond the realm of pure biology.
Emotional attraction…
I feel safe when I am with him!
I feel love when I am with her!
These are the internal psychological forces that bring the two “Selves” into an intimate relationship. Since the attraction is in realm of psychology, there is an emotional baggage that carried from past relationships prior to the current encounter – a psychological dependency.
If both partners have emotional dependencies and symbiotically fulfilled one another – statistically, the relationship will have a high probability of success.
In cases where the emotional attachment is lopsided on either partner, the dependency burden will consume and eventually lead the relationship to failure.
Money, power and status attraction…
Money, power and status are the ultimate trident the human species has invented to maintain the status quo of social stratification – mimicking the Anthophila (ants and bees).
The majority of Puberties do not fall in love because of money, power or status.
Yet, the majority of forties and older will have one, two or all three parts of the trident as the initial requirement for the birth of the Family relationship.
Why is there the difference in the force of attraction for the exact same thing for these two cohorts?
First, the older cohort is no longer spell bounded by the rise of hormones. Subsequently, many members of the group grew up and gained the understanding of the rules in the Game of Life a little better – or simply matured and experienced.
Historically, money, power and status are commonly employed in the upper cast epsilon of the social stratosphere as the initiation into the union of two budding and young lives – the survival of their relationship intertwined with the “survival of the fittest” hierarchies of the two families.
As social creatures, the lower cast population looks up to the elites, imitate the upper cast life styles and ways of life with the desire for comfort and prosperity. Money, power and status became the bargaining chips practically for anyone who wants to begin the Family relationship – especially in the years beyond puberty.
If and relationship is seeded with money, power and/or status and the pair belongs to the exclusive and affluent social stratification, the relationship has a good chance of out lasting one of the partner natural lifespan – the “survival of the fittest” hierarchies in the two families ensure it.
For the rest of the population, relationships began with money, power and/or status will fail when there is a loss in one of the three combinations.
This is inevitable for the majority of relationships in the lower cast population that employed this strategy – as money, power and status at the lower tier of the social stratification is frail and subject to failure at a slight change in the environment.
Culture attraction…
Albeit the custom is rare in the 21st century, there are still few societies where arrange marriages continue to dominate as the path toward the starting of the Family relationship.
Traditions and rituals across many cultures around the world play an important role in the initiations of many young and intimate relationships. The fathers in the Kreung tribe of Cambodia would build love huts for their come of age daughters just to have sex with the sons from other families.
In most cases, the detail knowledge and understanding of the rules in the specific culture is the requirement for the participation.
Interestingly, many of these cultural customs and traditions seemed to be outdated in the 21st century – yet, the resulted relationships often outlast the so call freewill executed at the individual level in the more affluent societies.
Circumstances attraction…
There are times when two partners attracted to each other because of shared unfortunate circumstances – cancer, mental health, physical limitation.
This force of attraction is in many ways similar to emotional attraction. The partners have a deep understanding of each other pain and suffering.
Many of these relationships will last until the circumstance escalates to an inhibitory level – preventing the partners from continuing.
Lastly, proximity attraction…
Two polar opposite sexes will naturally gravitate toward each other when the physical distance is diminished.
This force of attraction is responsible for all relationships where the participating partners do not have any thing in common others than they are the opposite sexes – the copulations of masters and slaves in the past, the secret coitus between wealthy employers and the house helpers in modern days.
With the exception of the emotional exception, all these common attractions that brought two otherwise separated “Selves” into a possible long lasting relationship – are all external factors outside of either “Self”.
These external attractors are effective at igniting a romance. Yet, they are worthless in time as the ingredients for the bondage of a long lasting relationship.
The long lasting bond of any marriage has to be an internal component that grows within the two partners that participate in the relationship.
Shared moments – sex, eating and drinking, travel, any adventures the two partners experienced together side by side are the fertilizers that feed the growth of this internal component.
Shared responsibilities – raising children, helping friends and family in needs, improving the world for the next generation are the nutrients that will flourish this internal component within each “Self”.
This internal component is the ultimate organic bond that will grow in quality and strength independent within each “Self”, yet they are the mirror of each other – similar to an identical twin in the psychological form.
This is the basis for the undying love in situation where the love partners are separated for decades. All physical interactions between the two “Selves” are completely terminated.
Yet, giving the randomness of the universe and fortuitously the two partners meet again, the pair will begin the relationship with the psychological twin that has birthed within them decades prior of the separation.
Many intimate relationships failed because the partners were not successful the transformation of the physical attractors that subject to decay due to the laws of physic – into the psychological bond that is free of deterioration from the everyday experiences everyone must participate – collectively it is called life.
What will you do for the undying relationship?
Let’s play the Game of Life!
