Is it possible to spend your entire existence to just one mate?
Absolutely!
Is it easy?
Absolutely not!
Is it easy to become a millionaire? It is not easy, yet, the majority of the population wants to have the opportunity.
Let’s start with the scientific facts.
Mate for life is rare arrangement in the animal kingdom. It is estimated somewhere between 3 to 5 percents of the animals are practicing the act of monogamy for life.
The fundamental foundation of relationship, regardless of the duration, is procreation. Even in the minority population of mate for life group, the partner will find another mate if the sexual act is deprived because of the animal’s fitness – hence, excluding the human species, mating is exclusively for the purpose of genes replication.
In just little 300 years ago, most anthropologists would agree on the fact that majority of the human population is mate for life. But, there is a caveat – the average life expectancy is 35 to 40 years.
With such a short life span and limited resources, the most optimal strategy for genes replication is monogamy for life – very short life in this case.
As of the first quarter of the 21st century, the global average life expectancy is in the early 70’s – with developed countries are pushing the limit in the range from 78 to 80 years of age.
Regardless where you are in the world, most of us are living twice as long in comparison to our ancestors who lived in the 17th century.
Biologically as a species, we have not changed in thousands of years. The majority of the population will stop procreate in our late 40’s.
So here is the dilemma – if majority of us do not plan to have children beyond the age of 40’s, why do we need a mate for the next 30 or 40 years?
As stated above, the fundamental foundation of relationship is procreation!
Yet, there is fundamental characteristic of us as a species is socialization – we are biologically wired as social creatures.
For example, polar bears are biologically wired as solitary animals. They only pair up with mates for the purpose of reproduction.
For the human species, relationship kills two birds with one stone. First, it satisfies the procreation requirement. Second, it fulfills the social connection we have been conditioned to expect in our psyche for hundred thousands of years if not millions.
Many extreme explorers that trek across the North and South Poles found the most challenging aspect of the journey is the isolation – tougher than the physical challenges they faced on the expedition.
The need to be with others is the prerequisite requirement. The deep rooted social connection demands for quality – quality determines the strength of the connection overtime.
There are many scientific studies that clearly show the brain developments in children are positively correlated with the loving nurture the mothers expressed in the early months of infancy.
Romania in the 1960’s, natalist policy under Nicolae Ceausescu outlawed all abortion and contraception. Subsequently, there was massive number of children abandoned to orphanages. Many of these children grew up with long-term mental health related issues.
It is a scientifically established fact that at the start of life, every single one of us is wired to connect with another human being – and it is the initial grade of maternal connection that determines quality of the intimacy in subsequent relationships.
The quality of the intimacy in subsequent relationships determines the level of contentment in the everyday living – all the way to the last moment of yours and mine existence.
Socialization does not mean a guarantee of great relationship. You sit in a middle of a crowd and have the feeling of loneliness (Relationship – Crowded Loneliness). It is the quality of the connection in the chosen relationship that intimately links you and I to another human being – the stronger the linkage the greater in capacity for the growth of the partnership.
Let’s do an example using money to highlight the organic characteristic of connection in an intimate relationship.
It is easy for everyone to understand that if you worked for a company, you and the company is having a relationship of employer and employee – you provide the service and in-turn your employer gives you the financial compensation for the work.
Over the years, the financial compensation you receive from your employer is traded in for homes, cars, foods, clothing, college educations for your children and most importantly the savings for retirement.
Ten years down the road, the relationship between you and your employer is out of alignment – you move on to a new opportunity.
Unless you have lived way above your mean for many years, the homes, the cars the savings you have earned from the last employer is yours to be continuing with the new company – nothing is at loss when you make the transition to the new opportunity.
Contrast the following relationship scenario with the money example above!
When you first met someone and have an initial attraction toward that person. As time goes one, it is not far fetch to imagine the buildup of the initial connection – the connection between you and that special someone has grown in accordance of the investment of times and/or financial resources from the two partners.
Just as the employee and employer relationship, your relationship with your mate made it to the 10th year mark.
In the 10 years time frame, you and your partner have accumulated a wealth of memories that fortified the initial connection when you both first met. This vault of memories has very specific reference to that partner – no other person in this world can replace this reference to make the memories whole.
This is crucial difference from the financial compensation you receive from the previous employer. Once the money is in your hand, the money retained its whole value regardless of the many instances you have changed employers.
If you and your partner is out of alignment and the ultimate decision is to move on to the next relationship, all the investment of times and financial resources along with the memories are effectively ceased in value along with failed relationship – it is not possible to take the bond from the one relationship to the next.
Essentially, the next relationship will begin from scratch – a flimsy initial connection as the baseline characteristic for all new relationship.
When it comes to visceral experiences, serial and monogamous relationships across a life span are inferior to one mate for life in summation.
As human species, we have successfully extended our life span years beyond reproduction. For the enduring marriages to the end of time, continuous of efforts are required to maintain and grow the bond between partners.
It is very possible that procreation was never part of your life long journey due to lifestyle of choice or biological limitation – nonetheless, one mate for life is the best option for relationship.
Each and every one of us is complex in nature. It will take a lifetime to have a full understanding of one-self.
Having one mate for life, who shares, understands and accepts the totality of you – make the journey through life interesting in experiences and much more fulfilling in meaning and purpose.
Let’s play the game of life!
