Recently, I came to know Keith (not his real name) at the gym I often frequented.
What caught my initial attention of Keith was his personal perception of himself – he has a little man mentally at 5’11 and solid 190 lb.
For his height, his BMI is a little high. However, with approximately 15% of body fat, he is fit compare to the general population.
Yet, when he looked into the mirror – a little man is staring back at him!
Initially, we exchanged notes on diets and workout routines. And as the acquaintance evolved better, we conversed and shared tits bits of our lives.
Keith grew up on the outskirt of Philadelphia. His parents divorced when he was five years old and his childhood memories were similar to mine from the financial point a view – we were living in the poverty.
Despite of the financial barrier, Keith managed to graduate from college with the Master in Human Resources at the age of 25.
Kudos to Keith – I ran out of gas in the last summer of the Electrical Engineering endeavor and did not have the courage to return to school for the Master of Computer Science almost 8 years later.
Keith I and I overcame poverty, got educated, found perfect mate and have children, but the shared similarities stopped abruptly there – there is a huge difference of how Keith and I individually perceived ourselves.
The conquering of poverty, the higher education, the successful mission in finding a mate and having children are personal accomplishments that I dearly cherish at every moment – the second of time just past, the current moment and the next coming second just about to tick.
I have an intimate and an internal sense of understanding the worthiness in values of these accomplishments and appropriately translated to the private perception of my self-worth.
Keith is constantly looking for validations from the outside of his self-worth!
He needs the outside world to validate THAT he is a big man in the gym – it is an established fact that he is fit in comparison to the general population!
He needs the outside world to validate THAT he has a supportive and capable partner – it is an established fact that he has a strong and stable marriage!
He needs the outside world to validate THAT he is highly educated and has the capability to effectively compete for a good career – it is an established fact that he has a master in human resources and was making six figures income!
These are all established facts with measurable values that Keith can personally quantify and determine their precise worthiness – without any validation from anyone other than Keith.
In many ways and instances throughout your life, you have been conditioned to have the mindset similar to Keith –
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with this inquiry!
It is HORRIBLY wrong when the question is being asked and the expected answer is coming from someone other than you.
For example, if you have a one hundred US dollar bill in your hand. Unless you are an international traveler, the value of the $100 bill may fluctuate – but for the most part it will have $100 worth value in the local market.
When you are traveling oversea, there is competition for a sliver of your money. The lesser the worthiness of the US dollar the more money you will lose to others.
If you don’t have an established process to measure the value of your own money and relied on others to give you the answer – in most instances, you will end up with less.
A day of living and all the instances of it are ultimately played in a coliseum of life – where all the gladiators are in competition with one another and self-confidence is the best indicator of the end result.
There is absolutely no one in your lifetime will invest his/her personal financial resources and/or times into your self-confidence without any benefit in return – the benefit may or may not perceived by you.
Just to be clear, self-confidence is private self-evaluation using non-personal data from the external environment.
Without using the non-personal data from the outside to independently and privately measure your own accomplishments – the resulted mindset will be less or more of the true fidelity of you.
Statistically in the majority of scenarios, you will end up with less confidence of yourself because the living is a competitive game and the lesser self-confident competitor will be rewarded with the lesser resources – Keith is a good example!
Keith is highly educated with a validated degree from Penn State. Only 11 percents of the workforce are graduated with the Masters – Keith should not need any praises from others to have the confident in his ability to learn and compete in a structured environment.
On the opposite end of the self-confident spectrum is self-grandiose. This is self-destruction in the making because the mindset is stuck in the fantasy – completely detached from reality.
We are wired as social creatures. It is in our nature to look to others for praises and validations – the emotional connection.
Emotional connection gives you the sense of belonging and security, but in the world of competition for real resources – it opened up the possibilities for others to exploit the weakness in you and ultimately drain the self-confident you have accumulated through personal accomplishments along the way.
However, it is essential that you have a clear awareness that we are in competition with one another for resources and times – having the proper dose of self-confident will lead a full life in accordance to your potential.
Whereas, self-insecurity and self-grandiose is the mismatch of the mixture – genetic is fixed, but not the environment!
If you find yourself bouncing from the two extreme ends of the spectrum between self-insecurity and self-grandiose – it is a clear indication you are not in the driver seat of your life.
Practice the following MASTER steps take charge of your day!
- Make time within a day for self-reflection
- Assessing the accomplishments for the day
- Set and plan for small manageable improvements
- Touch base with close family members and friends
- Execute the plan on the next day
- Repeat step 1
In time and with clarity, you will see that your self-confident is perfectly aligned in the middle of this emotional spectrum.
Ultimately, you are the only person who has the capability to discover this precious mindset from within.
Let’s play the game of life!
